Needed: People to Grow Up

I havn"t been so excited in such a long time! My 3 BEST friends from high school were coming up to spend a day and night here, yay! I havnt even seen 2 of them for about 1 year! My sister drove them up here too so im just stoked right? It ended up with me yelling at them and telling them how they are Bitches because they were so incredibily rude to my friends from up here. I mean, I've told my "duluth" friends about my high school friends probably a million times and how cool they are and stuff and it was just ridiculous. Im so dissapointed. There was an awkward goodbye in the morning and then the end. I do so love my sister though!

Wine

Oh how i love thee!! So sad that im in love with wine. Was watching Bride Wars just a little bit ago... good movie. Greatest fear in life: im going to end up alone! i dont wanna be alone. stupid little old lady with cats. and i dont even like cats.... I still like a boy, and its getting a bit ridiculous... we are friends,nothing more or less. I take everything so seriously tho! when he calls me sweetie or hun im like (all dopey eyed) yes? Working the nights is begining to get to me. I like talking to people and here i am all night with no one to talk to. which sounds kind of pathetic until i was thinking the other day that i really only ever talk to Franklin and when i see another human being im like "HI!!!" and then they're just weirded out by me anyway. i live in a house with 3 other people, have lots of friends, have a full time job, in school 4 days a week and i just feel ALONE! doesnt make sense....

Spring Break

So things are different when theres nothing going on. Some things that have happened

• My sisters have convinced me that I'm an obese bitch
• my roomate is pregnant
• my turtle still hates me
• i have no plans for spring break but to sit at home and watch House
• I realize that no one is ever at my home except for me it seems like

Ok so first things first, my sisters seriously had a freakin conference to see what everyone thinks of me. Thanks guys this was my first time home since b4 christmas, and the first time im even seeing any of my aunts and uncles since July 4th and we have to do this now. Great, I know im not always nice. Im blunt, painfully so but who cares. they do. they also have pointed out that ive gained almost 50 lbs in 3 years since highschool. im sorry i did this on purpose right? I dont like it either ok?

My roomie is preggo, oh jeez this goes against our house rules about no pregnant ladies or babies. whats a girl to do. shes getting an abortion next week. this is just creeping me out. not that im judging. id prolly do the same if i was her or if this happened to me right now. Im just so worried about what it could do to her mentally. im scared to death that she could become just like my client. she takes all the risks that T did. It s not outside the realm of possibility which is scary.

Oh gosh Franklin. well he still does and theres nothing else i can do about it. I feed him, i got him a bigger tank, he has everything a turtle wants, (turtles for dummies) but he hates me. at least he has stopped trying to escape

Im actually ok with my plans. at least its not snowing this week. its warm out.

My home, well i spring cleaned it yesterday, at least its clean lets see how long it stays this way!

Oh God I told him...

I cant believe i told him i liked him!! But it was such a weird day! So i sit next to this guy in class. He's super cool, we've hung out before, go on lunch dates or breakfast dates like once a week. We are always flirting! a few people in class have asked us if we are dating. (I wish) So today Stacy asks me if we are dating and i said no. Then she asked me for his number if i didnt mind. well what was i supposed to do? So i gave it to her. then i saw him upstairs and told him i did that and he was like "oh i know shes already texting me" Im just so bummed out by this that i go to the bar with a coworker, get drunk and end up texting him all night! I told him that we should find a day when we dont work and go out, Hes says "Ya that'd be great!" then i told him that i wished i hadnt given stacy his number and hes like whys that? I dont answer him and hes like "Comeon you gotta tell me now" i told him that i maybe sorta kinda liked him, but that i didnt realize it till i told someone else he was available! All he said pretty much is that he is not a relationship guy "Trust me" he says that we are super good friends and that he just doesnt want to date anyone till hes out of school.... I told him to keep my number for future possibilitys and he said "dont worry luv" (ok i still have the texts thats why im quoteing everything.) i told him too that i dont want things to be weird for us now since i said that. He said they wont be and tomorrow is the first class i have with him since i've said this stuff. Wow i hope its not weird, how i wish he would have just said that he liked me too!

Unique

Ok the first time I remember meeting someone very different from myself was meeting my “uncle” Roger. (not really my uncle but one of my cousins uncle, kinda confusing) Anyway, he was older then my aunts and uncles and he was always very loud, very easily excitable and he drooled a lot. That’s what I remember right away. But then I remember asking my mom why he was like that and she said he was born that way. She explained that I was born with brown hair and my sister Crystal with blonde and Roger was just that way for that reason. I’ve heard some awful things that my cousins said about him, making fun of him to his face and behind his back. He was the sweetest guy I ever knew and he played with us outside all the time and I remember he was super good at Hide-and-Seek!
I was curious about why he was like that but once I got an explanation I was totally fine with it. I never felt like he was that different. He just seemed like a really big kid. I never understood why my cousins were embarrassed by him or anything. It wasn’t his fault and I actually had him come to school once for show and tell. He was a collector of keys and he must have had 3000 at the time. (I know his collection is up to 7000 now) He doesn’t know where they all go or if they unlock anything, he just had shoeboxes full of keys. His brother Ray, my actual uncle, brought him and 3 shoeboxes to my school so he could tell us a few stories about them. He was so cute! I remember being mad that someone asked Uncle Ray what was wrong with him, right in front of Roger. Didn’t these people see that there was nothing “wrong” with him? That he was just a little different? I was in second grade, so what is that like 8 years old?
My mother set me up for life with her explanation. I never find people weird. I love to use the word unique and I love different people. I volunteer at a summer camp for kids with Autism one week a summer. I would love to be able to be there for all 3 weeks but it feels like I never have the time. In high school I worked for REM, where we had a client who had some kind of disability, either mental or physical or both, we spent the afternoons with them and some weekends. It was great! I loved that job. I also worked in a nursing home for 4 years and thought that was great too. I love old people. They tended to be a lot hard to love too because they were so fragile. It could be my weekend off and I would come back to find that someone had taken a turn for the worse and died over the weekend. I volunteered in the twin cities to work at the different homeless shelters and aids hospices’, now that was an eye opening experience. I’ve been to gay/lesbian rallys, political things, a night without a home. I’ve tried to stay open-minded and experience new things. I want my world to really see everyone in it.

Im a Dummy

Ugh i hate not driving and then i actually hate the fact that i can´t complain about it since it was my fault!! I hate that i still have almost $1000 in fines. I hate that parents wont help me with that stuff or a car or insurance. I really super duper HATE that its my fault!! urg i am a dummy. I spent 4 1/2 hours, 4 1/2 HOURS, commuting via bus system the other day!! 1 hour to class, 1 hour home (I needed sleep) 1 hour back to school, 1 hour home again 30 mins to work! It would only take 15-20 mins by car to get to school and about 10 to get to work.... I am a big dummy and wish i could take it back. but i cant so now im just trying to learn a valuable lesson and pray to God about how thankful i am that no one got hurt because of my stupidness. Akuna Matata right?

Silly being crabby

Sometimes I get so confused about being crabby in general. Does it really make me feel better to be bitchy? or do i just like that second when i get to lash out at someone who didnt really deserve it because its making me think i feel better when really im just hurting them.... ridiculous. I was like that as a little kid, just said the meanest things to make myself feel good. Once when i was 14 i found my moms diary (haha she still kept one) and i cried over everything she wrote. I knew i was hurting her but still thought i didnt care. Gosh, im pathetic. Im sorry, I´ve tried to make it up to her but its not like you can take it back.
I love my mom. Shes a great person! I was talking to her today and realized that as long as we dont have to spend more then 2 days in each others company, we get along fabulous! :) Oh and something else i realized today is that she is super strong. I mean, she lived pretty much the exact same life as i am right now and she made it. So i should stop complaining right? I mean she went to school full time days, worked full time NOCs and at the same time her mom was dying of cancer and she managed to meet my dad and get married still. I dont know how she did it... I feel dumb for complaining to her. And not that she would even compare us. I was complaining to my dad and he told me to stop and consider what mom did. meh.... I just screwed up so much in school since starting college that i feel like this is my last chance. I want to do well and that means bringing back all my study skills from high school, cause God knows i didnt use them at scholastica. I want a puppy.... Jarbled, is that a word? thats what i feel like my thoughts are at this moment. maybe i should cut back on the mt dew...

Floors

So i work nights at a group home. They drill it into our heads that this is our clients home, not an office or staff room. Ok i get that. I agree with that. So on my shift i spend close to an hour hardcore cleaning the floors, Idk the last time they got scrubbed that good because it took me almost 3 nites to do it. So then i just keep touching it up. So why in Gods name do staff not bother taking their shoes off when they get here? they track their nasty ass shoes in the house over to the time clock then usually sit there for a few minutes chatting. Dont get me wrong, i appreciate them, hell i love the fact that they even show up! but seriously i spend a long time cleaning it. Then if i ever call anyone out on it, they look annoyed or say some dumb comment about me acting like someones mother. Even this morning, err yesterday morning i guess, I said something to someone and she looks at me and says ¨Jeez, someone sounds like P¨ Ok im not like P, she needed to be acknowledged for everything she did. w/e i just dont need your crappy shoes all over the floor. So the clients get up and the first thing they get to see is that nasty ass floor! ugh this irritates me a great deal, obviously, There are those stupid little signs up all over the house, people just ignore them.
Dude and another thing, When i got this position, they told me that i had big shoes to fill because the last person was such a good cleaner. Ok i admit that my cleanliness was not up to par the first few nights, i was getting my routine of the night down. But seriously the other noc guy says that these guys sleep all night long, SOO not the case, J is up all night tapping, T can either have a good night or a bad one, B is just awake all hours of the nite staring at the ceiling and D is the only one who is consistent with sleeping! but if you look at his documenting it says that they all sleep all night. BS. And i have done a ton of tiny things that make life alot easier around here like Fixing the computer cabinet door, organizing J´s closet, the front hall closet, the med closet, the drawers in the kitchen, even under the sink! it looks alot nicer and it functions more smoothly. again im not like P i dont care if people actually notice, what i do care about is that they think he is a better staff then me, when all i can think about is what the hell does he do here all night?

A journal?

So ive tried to keep a journal before, didnt work so well. I even have bought a new one that i carry in my purse so that if i feel the need to write something down, i can right away! does it have anything in it yet? nada so i decided to try this. if anything else i just decide to erase it, right? well lets see my life. Im begining to feel like the biggest hypocrite ever! I tell myself that i am a very religious person, I tell myself that i dont go to church because i dont like my specific religion. but do i find out about any others? do i make attempts? do i even know where my bible is? Can i quote the whole bible verse that i have tattooed on my body? I mean Jeez what am i doing? I was looking at my facebook and there is a photo album of my friends and i getting trashed on a wednesday night, and i titled the album ¨just another wednesday¨. How ashamed did i feel when my confirmation sponser wrote on it and asked if i remembered how i used to spend my wednesdays? Youth group. Think about it, when i was in highschool my parents didnt ground me from going out ever, they grounded me from Youth group! I dont think i know how many hours i spent there in my 4 years of going... I miss it, God knows i do. But do i look for something else to do thats like it? Wow until i started writing i didnt realize how much this was bugging me. All that is just one aspect of my life i have plenty of more